Leaning On in Times of Healing
I have been feeling very vulnerable lately, like the contours of my being are no longer protected by my usual resiliency. I find myself wading through the emotional peaks, valleys and plateaus as they present themselves, allowing the rain and the wind and the sun to blaze down on me while I wait for healing. Often, I notice, the same stimulus that brings on the beautiful high, can just as effortlessly bring on the low, low, low… There are so many intermingled variables that contribute to the intensity of emotions that it’s impossible to disentangle them, remove the triggers, or take myself out of the situation completely, even if I wanted to. But I am not someone who tries to run away from the messy emotions. Quite the opposite, sometimes it feels like I need to dig the dagger even deeper by connecting with the universal pain in order to feel my own pain even more acutely, before I am able to fully release it.
One of the ways I connect to this cauldron of universal, human, ever-shifting, ever-deepening, bubbling emotions is by getting lost in music. When I find myself drawn to music, searching for just the right combination of meaningful lyrics and moving melodies, is when I know that I am unconsciously looking for an inspiration to guide me toward a path that would eventually lead me to some sort of a resolution. Usually, this “resolution” is a way out of the grip of the emotional plane, an energy that has the power to propel me towards a wiser realm of peaceful inner knowing. Recently, I have stumbled upon a song that was powerful enough to pause the whirlwind around me and bring me into its peaceful, comforting realm. It spoke to me like no other words recently had (the title of the song is “Whole” by Jared Hart). When listening to it, I imagined another human being delivering that same message to me at this very time, in that same way.
Oh, how I long for a soul distraction. Not an easy, cheep distraction to temporarily take me out of my contemplations and make me forget the external happenings, but one that would bring about a deep connection to another human being willing to join me on the journey through my inner world. I don’t need saving, but how beautiful it would be for my soul and body to be held, nurtured, cradled…while I heal myself. The thing is, even if such a person showed up at my doorstep, I would likely sabotage the opportunity by resisting his willingness to provide the very thing I crave – a sheltering, warm presence of someone who sees me beyond my appearance. There is something in me that resists sharing and opening myself to anyone when I’m hurting…like a child resisting the comfort of her parents’ arms when the assurance is most needed.
I ask myself why that is. Maybe it’s because I have found that people who are drawn to persons who are hurting, are often people who have a deep-seated need for contribution and a desire to feel valued and validated themselves, and being there for others – as genuinely as they may show up – is their way of meeting that need. Not that there is anything inherently wrong with that. It can be a beautiful thing in the dynamic that is professional, or one that is experienced through a friendship. Helping helps…and receiving support during hard times, especially from people with whom one can connect deeply is a true blessing. But within a context of a (potentially) romantic relationship, where the bond is based on an emotional connection, I find myself hesitant to fully surrender to it. Maybe it is because initially, this new connection feels like a saving grace – like an essential healing balm for all old wounds caused by emotional pain. It all works beautifully for a while…until one person’s self-awareness deepens, and/or until healing happens.
When the healing takes place, the relationship dynamic shifts. When the person who was once enveloped in the veil of sadness starts shedding the layers and begins to radiate the inner light which had been previously muddied under the cloak of suffering, that light – the joy, the renewed energy, the delight that often ensues – can get too intense for someone who thrives on the blues for their egoic sustenance. If a person whose role was to comfort and to provide nurturing is no longer needed in this way, their sense of contribution and value starts to diminish and the fear of becoming inadequate starts to seep in. This fear of evokes behaviors that often contribute to rifts in the relationship, as now there is no longer a wounded one and the one who provides comfort – now there is a “whole” one and the one whose sense of wholeness has proportionally plummeted.
If a strong attachment had developed over time, and the partners find themselves unable to chart a new path – and are at the same time unwilling to let go of their attachment to one another (this is no easy task!) – they often find a way to evade the shaky and cracking ground by recreating the territory that once felt safe. A place that once felt comfortable, familiar. While the reasons may be different at this point, the person who needed comfort initially, finds themselves needing it again, and the person who provided it, is eager to keep giving. This dynamic, overtime, becomes one of co-dependency, where the giver needs to keep giving to feel valued, and the receiver needs to keep receiving to feel a sense of belonging, safety, security. But there is no balance in such a relationship, no growth, no true healing, not for the individuals within the relationship nor for the relationship as an entity.
It takes tremendous awareness and the mutual commitment to growth for couples to break this co-dependent dynamic, allow transformation and not succumb to the grips of fear. It takes courage to be vulnerable and face one’s shadow and one’s (and each other’s) triggers and work through them without succumbing to what’s familiar or running away when the difficult work of healing begins. Through mutual acceptance, the healing process could be a beautiful one, and partners could come out of the experience transformed, meeting each other anew.
If I could be assured that the person who showed up in my life singing the words of my new favorite song would be committed to such growth, I would welcome the soul distraction with open arms. Oh I could use some comfort, nurturing, closeness…a companion with whom to discover and witness new beautiful things as I climb out of this rawness I’ve been feeling lately. But I also want him to be there, just as happy to be near me, once the healing has taken place. And maybe, down the line, I could be the one he leans on. It’s the mutual support – the leaning on – that I desire, and not a relationship of co-dependency where we are either resigned to our roles or facing the inevitable crumbling of the relationship.
So I wait, afraid to venture outside of my little cocoon and attract someone who is (consciously or subconsciously) looking to give exactly that which I want to receive. But maybe that’s a foolish way to go about it. Maybe I should remind myself that there are some steady and grounded souls out there who aren’t looking to the outside to feel worthy or valuable. Maybe, even if they aren’t ready or feel called be in it for the long haul, they are perfectly content in merely being a bridge.
May I allow myself to walk it.
Recent Comments