How to Make Sense of It All?
Recent events in my life inspired me to explore – in greater detail than ever before – the relationship between needs, human behavior, wants, desires, preferences, feelings and outcomes. I have spent many hours in contemplation, journaling, trying to get clarity on each of these concepts, some of which are often used interchangeably. I used the knowledge I gained over time as well as insight that came to me through contemplations while writing this piece. While it is dense, it might be worthwhile unpacking. Maybe someone could use this map as they navigate through their own life challenges. So here it goes:
We all have needs – deeply embedded needs, interwoven in the core of who we are as human beings. We need connection, intimacy, a sense of belonging, love, safety, trust, understanding, acceptance, autonomy, play, excitement, adventure, novelty, contribution, a sense of being valued, a sense of purpose. As a seasoned early childhood educator, I can say readily that behavior is driven by needs. It is easily observed with children. All that we do, we do to meet a need. Maybe multiple needs at once. And if the behavior is one that keeps repeating, it is likely one that gets us the results we are seeking. While this is not always immediately evident in the complexity of everyday life, when we stop long enough and start peeling the layers, we inevitably uncover that needs lie at the core.
Some might argue that we act in response to feelings. I would say that the relationship between thoughts, feelings, needs, wants, desires and behavior is this: we think, then we feel (emotions are chemical reactions to the stories we tell ourselves), then we act in response to those emotions driven by a conscious or unconscious desire to meet a need...and the strategies we use to get those needs met (our pleading, demands or requests of self or others) are our wants. We want what we want because we believe that what we want will get us to the end result of meeting the need. And we often fail to recognize that what we believe we so desperately want is simply one way to meet a need. We would be well-served to pause and think about which need(s) are we trying to meet by insisting on getting what we want, and then consider the degree to which that particular strategy of meeting the underlying need is aligned with the vision of a life we want for ourselves.
And what about desires? I think of desires as two-fold: on one hand, there are deep desires of the soul (our “soul-calling” if you will) and there are surface level desires that arise out of a draw towards a particular way (strategy) of meeting a need.
When we are able to connect with what is deeply true for us through self-reflection, stillness, silence, contemplations, and through surrender to the higher power (if we subscribe to the belief that we are co-creators of our destiny), desires of the soul emerge. They give us energy and direction, and guide us toward fulfilling our purpose.
I used to have a wall hanging with a quote from an unknown author that went something like this (paraphrasing): “You are what your deepest desires are. Where there is a desire, there is will; where there is will, there is action; where there is action, there are results; and where there are results, there lies your destiny.” While I could write an entirely separate piece reflecting on the meaning behind those words, it is relevant here because it brings to light the energy behind our actions. Whatever we put our attention on will gain energy, and this energy will propel us to action which will yield results. We better put our attention on the calling of the soul because when we are moved to action out of a soul-desire, the outcome will be in alignment with our highest vision.
On the other hand, surface level desires are our draw towards engaging in a particular behavior, obtaining a particular material thing or status, or getting involved with a particular someone in a particular way in order to meet a need. The emphasis here is on the word “particular” – we have determined that our involvement with something (or someone) will be so fulfilling that we often cannot see clearly beyond the desire. The draw is so powerful that moving away from it seems wrong.
But is it wrong [to move away from it], if [engaging in] it moves us further away from the vision of a life we want to live?
And then there are preferences. When I think of preferences, I imagine them some distance removed from desires. Desires carry an energy of intensity, where preferences are more even-keeled. With the awareness of one’s preferences comes a slight detachment from a conviction that “it has to be this way”… If the preference is strong, we say to ourselves “I would strongly prefer this [situation or outcome] but I am not attached to it.” We get one step closer to equanimity – mental calmness, composure – in which there is awareness of preferences but intentional detachment from any one particular outcome.
So to come full circle, we find ourselves at the beginning. We behave in a particular way to meet a need. The strategies we use, our wants, we choose based on how well they served us in the past and/or our conviction that they will get us to our goal (and our need will finally be met).
Now all of this runs largely subconsciously. People generally don’t take the time to examine why they behave the way they do. Why they feel conflicted. Why they are stuck. Why they act in a way that ultimately brings them pain and suffering. Nor do they take the time to get clear on what it is that their soul desires, so that they can begin to move in the direction of fulfilling their soul’s calling.
How much more colorful and vibrant our lives would be if we became conscious of the complexities that drive our behavior as well as the behavior of the people closest to us, so that we could celebrate the experience of living this beautifully complex life and get ever more connected through our explorations of it, versus living in suffering, confusion, resentment, and ultimately alienation?
It is time to get clear.
Recent Comments