“Sometimes I feel like a puzzle piece that got put in the wrong box… I was in the right box once – I know it’s out there. How do I get back?”
This was a question posed by a friend of mine during one of our recent conversations. While the statement and the question didn’t refer solely to romance, that is the area of life in which I have experienced recent and significant changes, so it is through that lens that I approached the conversation. The question could have very well been a rhetorical one, but it sent me into a metaphorical whirlpool. I needed to start writing to make sense of all that was coming up for me; to examine the beliefs that propelled the rushing stream of thoughts as well as underlaid my approach to life and love.
At the risk of diluting the potency of my friend’s genuine sentiment by generalizing it to a human condition, it seems to me that we all, at some point or another, feel like we don’t belong; that we are somehow a misfit within our family, our community, among our coworkers, neighbors, even perhaps among people we call our friends; that we are an oddball, a person who sees things differently. Maybe we have a sense that we are more aware of the bigger picture than the next person, or can see multiple points of view as equally valid, or have compassion and feel tenderness toward people most others are quick to dismiss. Maybe we seek genuine care and authenticity while others want experiences that bring them repeated but quick pleasures. Regardless of the context that may elicit feelings associated with a sense of isolation, we all experience them. And we become acutely aware of our individual uniqueness when we find ourselves deep in the trenches of desire to connect with another person romantically.
As we get more intimately involved with someone, curious and hopeful that this time, with this person, we would find the kind of bond we have been daydreaming about, we often experience a moment of realization that the connection isn’t likely to go as deep as we would want. What do we do, especially if we find this person inexplicably magnetic? We could choose to proceed, and risk finding ourselves in a situation that, at best, doesn’t lead us closer to what we truly want, and, at worst, leads us ever further away from it; or, we could let the relationship go, and trust that, when the time is right, the universe would provide opportunities for something more majestic than we could ever conjure up on our own. We could also have our cake and eat it, too. We could decide to maintain the relationship, if it feels good, while allowing space for a deep friendship with another person who speaks our language and knows our soul. We can explore. We can learn what moves us and what doesn’t, and which context allows us to be authentically ourselves so that we could give and receive joyfully.
When it comes to meaningful connections, in my mind, romantic relationships share the stage with true friendships. There can be deep friendship without romance, but romance without deep friendship (whether with one’s partner or another person) isn’t sustainable. From this follows that building a friendship is a worthy endeavor in and of itself, and an essential complement to any romantic relationship I am interested in pursuing. But what to do when I feel like I am standing ever so slightly – or quite significantly – out of the realm of convention? When “my kind” of people don’t seem to be showing up physically in my life? I close my eyes and tune into the realization that the people my soul is seeking are out there and that I don’t need to know them physically to feel connected to them energetically. And sooner or later, someone shows up in my life who is present physically and becomes a good friend.
I am not concerned with chasing romance because I am happy with life as it is. I have a wonderful long-time friend and parenting partner, and have recently made a couple of new connections, which is plenty to keep me occupied. Getting to know people takes time and energy, and I want to be selective on whom I give it to and why I’m willing to give it. I want to believe that being authentically me and living my life choosing love (versus fear) whenever I’m cognizant of the opportunity to choose through that lens, will continue to bring people and situations to me that will be memorable and meaningful. Regardless of whether any new connection blossoms into a relationship or stays within the realm of friendship.
I firmly hold onto the belief that being authentic to who we are, pursuing things that bring us peace and joy, and setting an intention on finding like-minded people (but releasing any attachment to outcome) will fill us up with a sense of belonging so powerful that it will attract the people we want into our lives. I recently came across a post that said (paraphrasing): “Stop chasing so much. Instead, do what you love and let it find you.” It spoke to me; I interpreted it as: stop putting yourself in situations which don’t suit you in hope to attract people to your life who might. If we just live our lives authentically, those people will find us in our element and the oddities about us that sometimes make us feel alone and isolated won’t be oddities but commonalities, things worthy of admiration and appreciation.
So, I want to be patient. And not chase. But keep my eyes open for opportunities for meaningful connections. When they start to develop, I want to step back from the immediate experience and ask myself these questions: on what levels and to which extent do I connect with this person? Is this dynamic better suited for a relationship or friendship? Does this person consciously accept me for who I am, or for who they think I could be? Do they enjoy me presently or are they drawn to the potential (that may or may not manifest in the way they envision)? Do they see me as a person who could meet their need(s) and complete them, or as someone who would enhance their already full life? Do they seek love because they need affirmation that they are lovable, or are they seeking to give that which they already have so much of? Are they willing to accept me as a whole package – which includes people already in my life and things that move and fuel me – without asking me to compromise that which is essential to my joy and makes me uniquely me? Do they value what I bring to the table beyond simply fitting into their idea of a great relationship?
While I contemplate all these things and apply them to my past and present experiences in hope of gaining ever increasing clarity, I allow myself to meet new people while staying – unapologetically – myself. I try to make the most of each day. I focus on being present with, and cherishing, people currently in my life, and treasure the moments we get to share our energy.
Time will tell how things unfold, in my life, and in yours. But if we make choices that are right for us in each moment, and those that bring us closer to our visions, then future has to be a good one.
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